Can't pick a movie to save your life?

Do you need help picking entertainment? Do you always wind up seeing the worst possible movie any given week? If you answered yes, your not alone, but help is here. My brother and his fiancé’ go to the movies virtually every week, and it has recently occurred to me that they virtually always see the worst films available to them. They complain, and rationalize the choices, but it’s the same, sad waste of twenty bucks week after week. I on the other hand have impeccable radar when it comes to excellent entertainment. I will give you some guidelines for picking the good from the bad, and the next time the lights on the theatre go back up, you’ll only be disappointed in the fact that your still sleeping with the same woman.

We’ll begin with a short quiz! Below is a list of movies currently listed at cross gates mall, cinema 18. Go through the list, and pick out a movie, and pretend you haven’t seen any of them.

1) An Awesome night with the beastie boys
2) Big Momma’s house 2
3) Broke back Mountain
4) Chronicles of Narnia (lion, witch, you know the one)
5) Curious George
6) Date Movie
7) Doogal
8)Eight Below
9) Final Destination 3
10) Firewall
11) Freedomland
12) Madea’s Family Reunion
13) Mrs. Henderson Presents
14) Nanny McPhee
15) Running Scared
16) The Pink Panther’
17) When a Stranger calls

1. If you selected “an awesome night with the Beastie Boys” please draw a bath and bring a toaster with you.


2. If you picked “Big Momma’s House 2” your best friend is taking a bath, please join him


3. Broke back Mountain is ONLY the correct choice if you are trying to get into the pants of an ultra-liberal woman.


4. Chronicles of Narnia, you’re getting warmer. Not a bad pick, especially if you have children.


5. Curious George: You better have kids with you


6. Date Movie. You have witnessed two straight terrible productions from this line. Scary movie 2 and 3 were both horrible! This isn’t a Zucker film, and thus a sell out comedy to pass on.


7. Doogal. You don’t know what this is, so don’t see it.


8. If you picked this film, “eight below” your taking kids to the movies.


9. Final Destination3. Ho-boy, you picked a movie that quite literally has nothing left to say. Given that the second film was a virtual “copy” of the first in every sense of the word, it’s a pass. Maybe you want to see some extreme death scenes, but there hasn’t been any evidence of those in the previews, so keep looking.


10. If you picked “Firewall” congratulations! You have selected the most watch able film on the board. I have heard bad things about this movie, but Harrison Ford wouldn’t even be in it, if it weren’t any good. Reminiscent of Patriot Games, and old school Ford action, this is guaranteed to give at least a few smiles.


11. If you picked “Freedomland” GOOD JOB, you are also correct!!!!! An intriguing story, with the promise of big plot twists, and the star power of Samuel L. Jackson who never fails to be gripping.


12. If you picked “Madea’s family reunion” you are off of the mark, but I know where you’re coming from. This character was very, very amusing in the previous film. The problem is, that when an extreme third character becomes the focus, its usually not as good. It’s like Kramer having his own show, not as funny.


13. If you picked “Mrs. Henderson Presents” you didn’t pick the right film, and your probably still trying to get laid, by showing off your keen intellect. I can let this one pass, since there are nude women in it, just cross you fingers that Judi Dench isn’t one of them.


14. You have little kids still, ok. “Nanny McPhee” but this is a bad option with Narnia on the board.


15. If you picked “Running Scared” you’re a tad off-of the mark, but this is pretty weak board. After Firewall, and Freedomland, this is correct choice C. The lead actors aren’t people who have given good performances in the past.


16. “Pink Panther” Children, ok. Steve Martin could possibly keep this amusing for the adults, so not a bad pick.


17. If you selected “When a Stranger Calls” you have chosen correct choice D. Remakes are tricky business, especially when the original was very good. This has the power of audiences not remembering the original, so that lends it some more currency.

What did you pick? Were you in the top four (A,B,C,D)? If not, pay attention, and I’ll lay down some ground rules.

1. Don’t march to the theatre with a certain blood lust. Don’t subject yourself to “the Devils Rejects” because your in the mood for a horror film, good slashers movies are hard to come by, save that passion for a flick like “the Ring”


2. Who’s in the dam movie? Some actors have the innate ability to entertain, no matter what film they are in. Bruce Willis, Denzel Washington, and a few others can salvage even the dumbest of pictures.


3. Who made (director) this movie? What have they done in the past? It’s ok if you don’t know anything, it could still be good, but if there last two films were………say……scary movie 2, and 3, you’re probably barking up the wrong tree. On the other side of the coin, is the director Ron Howard, or Sam Rami? Now you are definitely looking at a well-made picture. For example; when “The Da vinci Code” comes out, it will certainly be the most attractive film available. Howard, and Hanks==good.


4. If your starring a sequel down, ask if there is really anything left to say. Are there more stories to tell? Can a funny white guy make Blade 3 different enough to enjoy? A copy can be good sometimes, but only if the original cast is completely in place, and they can be creative enough to make you forget how much of a copy it is (Beverly Hills Cop 2 ****).

Several films are being release this coming Friday, but only one of them should be considered. 16 Blocks is a sure fire winner, with the director of the Lethal Weapon series, and Bruce Willis, this is can’t miss entertainment opportunity. If you go and see “Failure to Launch” don’t come crying to me, about how unfunny Terry Bradshaw is, I already know.